Sir Bedivere's Logic Ch 2

Sir Bedivere's Logic: Sheep's bladders can prevent earthquakes

Due to the fact that Sir Robin’s minstrels had been consumed, the knights of the round table had no music to entertain themselves with, or rather, no musicians to tell to shut up to any more, so they sat around a fire on a winter night, staring at the flames in silence.

Sir Robin jumped up in exasperation. “This is pointless! Don’t we have anything we could talk about?”

“Yes!” said Sir Lancelot. “We must have something of which to speak or else we will just remain…” Sir Lancelot stopped talking, at a lost for the word he wanted to use. With a deep sigh, he let his shoulders fall.

Concord, Sir Lancelot’s companion, spoke up from the other fire. “Bored, sir?”

“Yes,” said Sir Lancelot brightly, “or we shall remain bored.”

“Then what should we talk about?” asked King Arthur.

All four of King Arthur’s knights gave this question a lot of thought, but remained quiet. Then Sir Bedivere leaned forward.

“Oooo-ooo!” he said.

Sir Lancelot leapt up, drawing his sword. “What is it? Are we being attacked?”

“No,” said Sir Bedivere.

“But wasn’t that surprise and alarm that you were expressing?” asked Sir Lancelot, still looking for an enemy. A slight breeze stirred the trees of the wood where they had set up camp, and he charged the nearest tree, crashing his sword down onto a branch many times. Snow began to shower down around him. Sir Galahad, who was nearest to him, had to pull him away from the tree and sit him down, telling his that that was enough of that.

“No,” said Sir Bedivere. “That wasn’t surprise and alarm. Oooo-ooo is the sound one makes when they’ve had an epiphany.”

“Oh,” said Sir Lancelot, “I knew that.”

“And what is it?” asked King Arthur. “You must tell us of your epiphany Sir Bedivere!”

“Yes!” said Sir Galahad and Sir Robin, leaning forward with interest.

“To pass the time, we could speak about science, my liege,” said Sir Bedivere to the king.

“That’s a great idea, Sir Bedivere!” said the king, “This new learning intrigues me. Tell me again how a sheep’s bladders can prevent earthquakes.”

“Certainly, my liege.”

“Sheep’s bladders can prevent earthquakes?” asked Sir Galahad. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Do you know how earthquakes start?” asked Sir Bedivere.

“Well, no.”

“First you must know how something starts in order to prevent it from starting,” said Sir Bedivere.

“That makes enough sense,” said Sir Galahad. “So, how do earthquakes start?”

“Must we r-really talk about such f-f-fr-rightening things?” asked Sir Robin, looking at the ground with apprehension.

“But this is an interesting conversation,” said King Arthur.

“Oh all right,” said Sir Robin. “If it will shut you up sooner, earthquakes start by the ground shaking. Isn’t that obvious?”

“And why,” said Sir Bedivere, turning his attention toward Sir Robin, “would you say that?”

Sir Robin opened his mouth, looking like a dumb cow. Finally, he stuttered, “T-th-the ground sh-sh-shhh-shakes whenever there’s an-an-an earth-qu-qua-quake.” He kept shooting glances at the ground and had become quite jumpy as if he expected the dirt under his feet to rear up and take a bite out of him.

“But the earth is not the only thing that can shake,” said Sir Bedivere.

Sir Robin began to sweat.

“What else shakes?” asked Sir Galahad, apparently undisturbed by Sir Robin’s antics.

“Whatever it is,” said Sir Lancelot, getting to his feet once again, his sword in hand in a flash, “I shall stop its shaking. A noble quest, to rid the land of earthquakes and shakes!”

“No, no,” said Sir Bedivere. “Earthquakes are not caused by the earth shaking.”

“Oh,” said Lancelot, shrugging as he sat again, his sword still in hand.

“But whenever the earth shakes, isn’t that an earthquake?” asked Sir Galahad.

“Yes, but what, other than the earth, shakes?” asked Sir Bedivere.

“I d-don’t like this conversation,” said Sir Robin. “All this t-ta-talk about shaking and ear-earthquakes.”

“A voice may shake,” said King Arthur, looking at Sir Robin, whose face turned red under his stare.

“Yes!” said Sir Bedivere. “But what does a shaking voice mean?”

“Mean?” said Sir Galahad.

“It do-doesn’t m-m-me-mean an-anything,” said Sir Robin.

“This is pointless talk,” said Sir Lancelot. “Surely there is someone out there who needs to be rescued.” He moved his arm (thankfully the one not holding the sword, for he knocked Galahad in the head with the sweeping motion) to indicate the silent wood around them.

“We have already searched the woods Sir Lancelot,” said King Arthur. “We are alone.”

“That’s right,” said Sir Lancelot. “I had forgotten. So, what were we talking about?”

“What does it mean when a voice shakes?” said Sir Bedivere, bringing the problem in front of them all again.

“It c-could mean that the person i-is tired,” said Sir Robin, trying really hard to keep his voice steady.

“Or that he has a cold,” offered Sir Galahad.

“When someone’s voice is shaking, they’re just taking too long to talk,” said Sir Lancelot.

Sir Robin gulped before quickly saying, “So what does it mean?”

“They’re scared,” said King Arthur, “or nervous,” he said, as an afterthought.

“Who’s s-scared?” asked Sir Robin.

“That’s what it means when someone’s voice is shaking,” said King Arthur.

“Yes!” said Sir Bedivere. “But, does their voice shake before or after they become scared.”

“After,” said Sir Galahad.

“They shouldn’t be scared,” said Sir Lancelot.

“Nevermind that,” said Sir Galahad to Sir Lancelot. Turning back to Sir Bedivere, he asked, “Am I right that their voice shakes after they become scared?”

“Yes,” said Sir Bedivere. “So, does the shaking cause them to be scared?”

“No,” said Sir Robin, trying to get back into the conversation without saying too much.

“No, it doesn’t,” said Sir Galahad.

“What does cause them to be scared then?” asked Sir Bedivere.

“Something scary?” asked Sir Lancelot, finally seeming to take an interest in the talk.

“Something must have scared them,” agreed Sir Galahad.

“Correct!” said Sir Bedivere.

“So the shaking of the earth could not cause an earthquake?” asked King Arthur, using his superior knowledge (and maybe the fact that he had already heard this logic) to jump ahead. “Something must scare the earth until it shakes?”

“Exactly!” said Sir Bedivere, so energetically that his visor clanked down and he had to raise it out of the way to continue.

“But what c-could s-sc-scare the ear-arth?” asked Sir Robin.

“I didn’t know the earth ever got scared,” said Sir Galahad.

“When you go to the beach, what is the scariest thing there?” asked Sir Bedivere.

It took a while for the knights to get over the sudden change in setting, but then Sir Robin blurted out, “Sharks!”

“Jellyfish,” said Sir Galahad.

“Getting fish stuck in your armor,” said Sir Lancelot.

“Drowning!” said Sir Robin.

“But those things are in the water,” said Sir Bedivere. “I meant, what is the scariest thing on the shore, on the earth?”

“Getting a sunburn,” said Sir Lancelot.

“Being buried in sand,” said Sir Robin.

“Stepping on a crab,” said Sir Galahad.

“Seagulls!” screamed Sir Robin.

Everyone looked at him in sudden shock and Sir Lancelot jumped up at the shout, swinging his sword around. It took two knights to get him sitting again before Sir Bedivere pronounced Sir Robin to be right.

“Seagulls?” asked Sir Galahad. “What’s frightening about seagulls?”

“They smell bad,” said Sir Lancelot.

“I guess they have beady, little eyes,” mused Sir Galahad.

“They poop on you!” said Sir Robin. “You have to run fast to get away from them.”

“But the earth can’t move,” said King Arthur, getting where this logic was going. “It must shake to get away from the droppings of the seagulls.”

“So seagulls cause earthquakes?” asked Sir Galahad, the tone of his voice obviously showing that he was skeptical.

“Not seagulls,” said Sir Bedivere, “the droppings. And not just from seagulls, but from all birds.”

“Ok?” said Sir Galahad slowly, “but what does this all have to do with sheep’s bladders? Isn’t that what you were proving to begin with?”

Sir Bedivere nodded, his visor moving up and down even more than his head. “What do you do with sheep’s bladders?” he asked.

“Not this again,” said Sir Lancelot. “This is another of those…” he paused.

“Questions, sir?” asked Concord from the other fire. The men around that fire, though quiet, had paid attention to the entire conversation.

“Yes, another one of those questions,” said Sir Lancelot.

“Questions lead to knowledge,” said King Arthur. What he had said sounded so knowledgeable that Sir Lancelot didn’t argue.

“Sheep’s bladders…” said Sir Bedivere, regaining their attention.

“I don’t know what you do with sheep’s bladders,” said Sir Lancelot. “I’ve never even seen a sheep’s bladder.”

“You could put stuff in it,” said Sir Galahad.

“Ah, but can you not also put things in bags?” asked Sir Bedivere.

“Oh yeah,” mumbled Sir Galahad.

“You could blow it up,” suggested Sir Lancelot.

“Eat it,” said Sir Robin.

“Or wear it as clothing,” said Sir Galahad.

“Poop in it, maybe?” asked Sir Robin.

“Or,” said Sir Galahad with excitement, “you could make the birds poop in it!”

“Yes, you could,” said Sir Bedivere.

“How would you train birds to only poop in sheep’s bladders?” asked Sir Lancelot.

“You could never train them all,” agreed King Arthur, “but you could force them somehow.”

“How c-could you force them?” asked Sir Robin.

“With bait,” said Sir Galahad.

“Or weapons,” said Sir Lancelot, brandishing his sword.

“But those ways wouldn’t always work,” said Sir Bedivere.

“You would have to tie the sheep’s bladders to their feet,” said King Arthur. “Then they would have no choice.”

“Precisely, my liege! Then the bird’s droppings would land in the sheep’s bladder.”

“And not on the ground!” said Sir Galahad.

“So the earth wouldn’t get scared of the dropping and wouldn’t move!” said Sir Lancelot.

“And if it doesn’t move, then there are no earthquakes,” said King Arthur.

“So, logically,” said Sir Bedivere, “sheep’s bladders can prevent earthquakes.”